Another Depressing Post

Hello Peeps!

I am so done with this winter. I hate all the snow and the cold and just the miserable feeling that it gives. When is spring going to get here? I want colors and warmth. Does anyone else feel the same?

Anyways, today's post is going to be another sort of depressing story time. I want to share my stories with you all because I want other people that are going through the same problems that they are not alone. And for a more selfish reason, I just need to let these thoughts and feeling go so I can move on. I could just write them out and save it to my computer, but then were is the accountability? How am I going to actually feel better without someone to remind me that I have to push through? I need to let these words to leave my head and to show myself that others can hold me accountable. So, thank you for reading my thoughts and making me feel like I have to prove myself to someone so I can get better. On to the story!



I have been telling you all that I have been in this limbo of depression and funk for a while now. I feel like I just can't get out of it. I self hate and doubt. I think very little of my self and my worth. I find my appearance appalling. I feel like I just don't fit in with any crowd. And these thoughts and feelings have been getting stronger over a few years. I thought I finally had them under control before I left for college. I was on medications and feeling really good. But as soon as I left home things started to go down hill. I don't know when or why the thoughts came back they just did.

At first I thought it was because I was under a lot of stress because of school and family and I just needed a break. So the plan with B and the apartment came about. Then my thoughts began to darken. I started to tare myself apart in all aspects of life. From my appearance to my art work to just about everything. So in the beginning I stopped eating. I would only have small meals and skip every other meal. At first I was happy that I was losing weight! But it was extremely unhealthy. I began developing sleeping problems and began to feel tired all the time. Once B and I got our apartment we really didn't have money for real food, just processed cheap food. Lots of sugar and fatty foods that were cheap and easy to make. So the weight I did lose I gained quickly. Then I developed the habit of eating to coup with my emotions. And my food of choice was anything sweet. It had become an addiction.

I am going to tell you guys things I haven't told anyone. I am a 5'9" girl and I just weighed myself last week. I am 245 pounds. How the hell did I let myself get this heavy? Don't get me wrong, I have always been a big girl that has been battling her weight, but I have never weighed more then 220. I can blame my weight on a lot of thing; stress, depression, unhealthy food choices, and just giving up. But I have to come clean with myself, I put MYSELF into this mess. I need to fix this mess.
I know that this isn't going to be a quick fix either. This is a lifestyle change. I need to get my life back. Some things I can't do while at school ( like getting new medication for my depression), but I can do little things to start myself on the right foot. I am going to make a pledge today and all of you are my witnesses.

Suzanna's Pledge for a New Life:

I pledge from today onward that I will not have any more sweets. That means no more candy, baked goods, ice cream, or other goodies. I also promise to watch my portions with the meals that I get. This means more veggies and less grains. No more fast food. No more high fatty foods. Basically I am going to become a rabbit for a while. It takes 23 day for something to become second nature. So from March 10th to April 2nd I have to stick to this plan strictly. Then after April 2nd I can plan another plan for a diet.

Also part of this pledge is to set up an appointment with my doctor to talk about new medications. I need to become happy again. I need to plan more walks, more laughs, and less stress. I need to start drawing more. I need to let things go. I need to become happy with myself. 

After April 2nd I'll update my pledge. I know that I need exercise in my routine to help with my health, but right now I can only do one step at a time. I know that sounds like an excuse, but right now I have too much on my plate for following a strict exercise plan. But I will put one in place soon. I promise. 

Wow, I let you guys in to a lot of my secrets. I am going to stick with my program. I am thinking that each post I do I'll add updates on how everything is going. To be honest I am terrified! I don't have the greatest support system here so it is going to be really hard. Please let me know if you have any good tips to keeping on track. Anything will help!

Please feel free to share similar stories or suggestions for me. 

Until next time,

Suzanna

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