Another Depressing Post

Hello Peeps!

I am so done with this winter. I hate all the snow and the cold and just the miserable feeling that it gives. When is spring going to get here? I want colors and warmth. Does anyone else feel the same?

Anyways, today's post is going to be another sort of depressing story time. I want to share my stories with you all because I want other people that are going through the same problems that they are not alone. And for a more selfish reason, I just need to let these thoughts and feeling go so I can move on. I could just write them out and save it to my computer, but then were is the accountability? How am I going to actually feel better without someone to remind me that I have to push through? I need to let these words to leave my head and to show myself that others can hold me accountable. So, thank you for reading my thoughts and making me feel like I have to prove myself to someone so I can get better. On to the story!



I have been telling you all that I have been in this limbo of depression and funk for a while now. I feel like I just can't get out of it. I self hate and doubt. I think very little of my self and my worth. I find my appearance appalling. I feel like I just don't fit in with any crowd. And these thoughts and feelings have been getting stronger over a few years. I thought I finally had them under control before I left for college. I was on medications and feeling really good. But as soon as I left home things started to go down hill. I don't know when or why the thoughts came back they just did.

At first I thought it was because I was under a lot of stress because of school and family and I just needed a break. So the plan with B and the apartment came about. Then my thoughts began to darken. I started to tare myself apart in all aspects of life. From my appearance to my art work to just about everything. So in the beginning I stopped eating. I would only have small meals and skip every other meal. At first I was happy that I was losing weight! But it was extremely unhealthy. I began developing sleeping problems and began to feel tired all the time. Once B and I got our apartment we really didn't have money for real food, just processed cheap food. Lots of sugar and fatty foods that were cheap and easy to make. So the weight I did lose I gained quickly. Then I developed the habit of eating to coup with my emotions. And my food of choice was anything sweet. It had become an addiction.

I am going to tell you guys things I haven't told anyone. I am a 5'9" girl and I just weighed myself last week. I am 245 pounds. How the hell did I let myself get this heavy? Don't get me wrong, I have always been a big girl that has been battling her weight, but I have never weighed more then 220. I can blame my weight on a lot of thing; stress, depression, unhealthy food choices, and just giving up. But I have to come clean with myself, I put MYSELF into this mess. I need to fix this mess.
I know that this isn't going to be a quick fix either. This is a lifestyle change. I need to get my life back. Some things I can't do while at school ( like getting new medication for my depression), but I can do little things to start myself on the right foot. I am going to make a pledge today and all of you are my witnesses.

Suzanna's Pledge for a New Life:

I pledge from today onward that I will not have any more sweets. That means no more candy, baked goods, ice cream, or other goodies. I also promise to watch my portions with the meals that I get. This means more veggies and less grains. No more fast food. No more high fatty foods. Basically I am going to become a rabbit for a while. It takes 23 day for something to become second nature. So from March 10th to April 2nd I have to stick to this plan strictly. Then after April 2nd I can plan another plan for a diet.

Also part of this pledge is to set up an appointment with my doctor to talk about new medications. I need to become happy again. I need to plan more walks, more laughs, and less stress. I need to start drawing more. I need to let things go. I need to become happy with myself. 

After April 2nd I'll update my pledge. I know that I need exercise in my routine to help with my health, but right now I can only do one step at a time. I know that sounds like an excuse, but right now I have too much on my plate for following a strict exercise plan. But I will put one in place soon. I promise. 

Wow, I let you guys in to a lot of my secrets. I am going to stick with my program. I am thinking that each post I do I'll add updates on how everything is going. To be honest I am terrified! I don't have the greatest support system here so it is going to be really hard. Please let me know if you have any good tips to keeping on track. Anything will help!

Please feel free to share similar stories or suggestions for me. 

Until next time,

Suzanna

Social Media:
Twitter: @s_illustrator
Facebook: SuzannaEdwardsIllustrator
Instagram: @suzy_illustrator
Web Site: suzannaedwards.weebly.com

Job from HELL

Evening Peeps!

Sorry that I didn't make a post yesterday. I went to see a movie on campus with some friends. I totally recommend seeing Big Hero 6 if you enjoy Disney ripping your heartstrings out and then sowing you up with humor. Damn you Disney and your stupid EXTREMELY sad movies. All in all, it was a terrific movie. (PS: not a plug for Disney or the movie, just saying.) Plus I had a butt-ton of homework that I was doing through the day. I still have to finish up my recreation of a master's painting. I fudged up on the proportions on one half of the face. Now it looks like a Picasso piece instead of a Renoir piece. FML. Check it out on my Instagram.

Anyways, back to the lessons at hand. Today I am going to talk about how my part-time job is a living hell. I know I live in America and our lovely motto to life is to struggle our way to the top from the bottom. Well, that is just a wonderful philosophy to live by. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) Don't get me wrong, I do believe that you have to learn what real struggles are like and how to build yourself up. But Americans push that motto to the extreme. Do we really have to kill ourselves over a job and life that we are unhappy with? Is that really living? Or are you just feeding the corporation machines that are turning us all into drones? I refuse to think that our way of life is that terminal. We fight about our rights for health care, equal rights for every race, gender, sexual orientation; food, money, governmental assistance, and well being. How can you have a happy and healthy nation when so many are crying every night because there is no food in the fridge, or money for your kid's birthday present, which was spent on paying rent. Think about it. Re we a nation of happy people, or only the few are happy while the majority are suffering in one shape or another.
This brings me to my struggles. I am working for a big name corporation that takes its workers for granted. I am only 21 and I already am pushing my body to the limits with this job. It isn't like I am not strong or have a real hard time with day to day activities. No, it is just over time I have been noticing more strain on my muscles and bones that I have never felt before. And this isn't the good pain that you feel after a good work out or a long day of exploring. It is the pain that is telling you that you need to stop this activity or else it is going to be a permanent problem. I may sound like a little b***h, but I know that I am not the only one out there that is suffering for a job that they don't even like. Like come on, I am going to school to be an artist and make people smile with my work. I am not working at a deli for the rest of my life and dealing with people and a corporation that doesn't care. If they don't care neither do I. I have given too much of my free time worrying about money and when will I be able to do homework or create something new. If it wasn't for my stupid car payments, I would have quit a long time ago. I am not going to be stuck in a place that makes me unhappy. That is way I am going to school. To do something I love and be free. Isn't that America's foundations? Work to be happy and free, not depressed and caged. Our way of like reminds me of the Colonial days before the Revolutionary War. I am also not trying to say that a "revolution" is going to be happening soon. But we do have to take a step up and look at what we have created. Is it a piece of beauty, or a piece of horror? Food for thought.
In the mean time I just have to keep moving forward and reminding myself that I have one year left until my degree is in my hand and I can say F-YOU to my tool bag of a job. Of course I am going to need another part-time job in between clients and projects, unless I land a position as an illustrator at some studio. Dreams *sparkle sparkle*. But that part-time job will be something that don't require my full attention. So until my graduation, I will probably still complain about my piece of crap job and how it sucks. And probably complain about the struggles of finding clients and projects to do. Just warning you.

So, that kind of turned a little political. Welcome the inner workings of my mind. Sometimes I will hit you where it hurts and we will clash heads. That is completely fine with me. I welcome different views and opinions. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing about them.

I have a question for you: What kind of stuff should I talk about in future posts?
I have a list of what I am going to be talking about for like 4 more posts. Any suggestions are wonderful! Let's make a deal. First three suggestions will get a doodle of their choice of subject for a prize. ^.^

Until next time,
Suzanna



Social Media:
Twitter: @s_illustrator
Facebook: SuzannaEdwardsIllustrator
Instagram: @suzy_illustrator
Web Site: suzannaedwards.weebly.com

Car Drama

Hello Peeps!
I hope that everyone had a great weekend! I am so happy that the Patriots won the Super Bowl! Although, I didn't get to see any part of the game because I had to work. The struggle is real my friends.
Today is going to be another rant/ lesson learned/ teaching you guys about life. On today's episode it is all about cars. When you live in a state where the biggest "city" is your state capital and there is RARELY any public transportation, you need a car to drive the 30 minutes to get some groceries. A car is also needed when your college is on top of a hill and there is nothing around. There is some serious cabin fever that happens all year round for people that live in my state.
Remember in my last post I talked about signing my soul away just for a car? Yeah that is exactly what happens. I am a struggling college student that just needs a reliable car to get me to work, school, home and to places to have fun. I went to this dealership that seemed to have good used cars and that I didn't need to take out a loan to pay for it. All I had to do was to pay the dealership and in 82 weeks or so I would own the car. Sounds simple, right?
After the first month of driving it things started to go bad. So I took it to B's family's mechanic. He is a really good guy and let me make payments for all the work that he had to put into it. First off, it needed a oil change, the belt was off its shift-thingy, tires were balding, and other things. So in this first round of the mechanic, he fixed the belt, changed the oil, and got me some tires. 500 bucks right there.
A few months later more trouble popped up. A blown tire #1. Luckily someone that I worked with had an extra tire that she gave me for my car. went to a tire place and got it changed. They told me that my ball joints were going and they would last much longer. So another trip to B's mechanic. He got new ball joints and new tires AGAIN! And there seemed to be more wrong with it that I wold have to get it fix. Another $500.
Fast forward to December, ANOTHER TIRE BLEW! I got that fixed. Another $105. I thought that this car is just dragging me down into a hole of misery. But is great better! I got to bring my brother to work while I am home for the winter break. I got him to work safe and sound. My sister and I were heading home when the car just stalled. I thought, hey it just might need some oil. I carry around oil because the thing sucks it up like a kid with candy on Halloween night. So I try starting it. Nothing. Luckily we were still in the plaza that my brother works at so my sister got his cell phone so we could get our mom to help us. We were stuck there for almost 2 hours. Then my foster- sister came and helped us push the car into a parking spot and took us home.
My mom decided to call the dealership and rip them a new one. At first they said that I had to figure a way to tow it up to the dealership for them to fix it. Then my mom got it so that they would find someone and the cost would be tacked on to my bill.
With all the weeks that I paid plus all the repairs I have paid $3,785 plus the down payment and other fees I have paid $5,800. Oh and this piece of crap is a $6,000 car. And all of this isn't including this past four weeks I haven't paid for car payments and the tow bill. Surprise! You just invested in a piece of shit shop and they will never let you go.
Lessons to take from this, never trust any sort of dealership. They are all bull-shit. So, kiddies don't go to sign for a car without having someone that doesn't take the first option that they are given. Have someone to back you up if this don't go as planned. I am the type of person to just take something at face value. If someone says it is one thing then it is just that. I am terrible at bartering. Please don't fall for the same traps I have. Take my mistakes as lessons for yourself.
Now let us relate this to my art life. With all of this money that I have dumped into this piece of crap, I can't afford new supplies or software. Plus it has been a huge stresser that has made me sink into an epic artist's block. It was like the nails in the coffin.
Let me know what your story is about Car Drama. Have you ever had anything happen like this? If so, how did it turn out?

Don't forget to check out my other social media sites. Plus, I am in the works of setting up a DeviantArt page. Whoohoo! I'll leave my links at the bottom of every post from now on, how does that sound?

Until next time,
Suzanna






Social Media:
Twitter: @s_illustrator
Facebook: SuzannaEdwardsIllustrator
Instagram: @suzy_illustrator
Web Site: suzannaedwards.weebly.com

Apartments for Greenhorns

Evening Peeps!

Today is the first day of the new system! So, that means that if you want to find my art piece place go to my website or Tumblr. But this blog will contain art, rants, opinions, and life. And feel free to follow my other social media site, all the links are in the post called "Stepping Stones". 

To start off with today I just want to make a few things clear. One, I was NEVER taught about budgeting and leases and loans and all that adult stuff. Honestly, I think parents and teachers expect you to either sink or swim in the real world without help. It would have been nice to have a class that taught you all the important things in life. Like taxes, does anyone really know what they are doing unless that have a degree in taxes? So lost. And second, everyone that I thought "supported" me told me that I was going to fail at being an adult. What a confidence booster they are. I feel like I can take one the world now. Nah, can't do it because my team says I can never do it. Whoohoo. 

Let's start at the beginning of the story. My friend B and I were feeling the leave the nest syndrome and wanted to move out on our own. The plan was to work part time, go to school full time, and have a social life. I thought it was a great plan. I would get life experience and find myself and my art. That semester we got both our families to agree to let us try this our. But both sides said that we were going to end up crawling back home because we can't do it. So B and I was out to set them straight. The plan was I move in with B's family for the summer, get a job and car, and find a place to live. Sounds solid enough right? Come summer time there were like no jobs around. Especially illustration jobs because we live in the boondocks here. (Another story completely.) So I finally got a job after 2 months of searching. 2 FREAKING MONTHS! 

By that time my depression hit. I lots all love for the arts. I barely sketched or painted. I laid in bed all day unless I had work. It was torture. One month after work started school started again. So the plan changed. We decided to stay at B's house until we got a car. So I started saving. Then food became an issue. I was eating more and more. One part depression another part emotion. By the time I knew it was the end of the semester and winter break was there. No car and no apartment. 

B and I were getting fed up with our situation. So I said "why don't we give it until the summer and if nothing changes I'll move back on campus." But then we thought luck was on our side. My refund money finally can in from not living on campus for the year. We were so pumped. It was right before I went to Italy and Greece for my on-sight sketching class. So the week before I left we went car hunting. We found this cute PT Crusier that would totally work for us. But the dealership was shady as all get out and we heard terrible things about them and their cars. But I was like "hey, we aren't going to find anything cheaper and it is in house financing. What is the worst that can happen?" So I put a down payment on the car and signed my name away. And the piece of shit has been a thorn in my back ever since. (Another story.)

So I get back from my trip ready and pumped for apartment hunting. A few days after we found an apartment for $450 a month. Not bad right? Between two people $225 a month each. So we went and looked at it. It was small, but we didn't need much. Next week we signed and moved in. We then set up oil, electricity, and internet. Not too bad in the beginning. But then work started cutting our hours. By the second month B couldn't pay her half of the bills. So I covered. Third month neither of use could pay, so I took out a line of credit. Then four month B couldn't again, so I paid. But the smaller bills started to pile up. While, mind you, we were both in school five days a week. Summer comes and we started to think we are catching up. But the is barely any food in the house and barely change for laundry and gas. August comes and we get a knock on the door. One of my checks bounced and we owe them back rent. Great. So I step up a payment for October for all the bills to catch up. Mind you B is a really great friend, but terrible at money management and having money for bills. 

September comes and so does school. I was so stressed and so depressed I drew once a month. Most of the time it was for school projects. I needed out. The car was breaking down, work was a hell hole, and the aparement was a soul eater. I was loosing it. Then we got an email that made me dance for joy. The email was an eviction notice. We were not served with papers from any legal firm or anything so it doesn't really count poorly. But there was a lopole for my sanity. We moved back in B's family home in late September.

And I stayed there until signing up for the for this very semester. I realized I need to focus on my senior year and my art work. I let a whole year and some months go by without making art. So I moved all my crap back to my family's home and got my face rubbed in the mess I made of my time away. 

A few things a learned from this experience was that you need to know how to budget, have a roommate that knows how to be responsible with that kind of stuff, and to focus on myself. I know that I am not getting back into that situation again. Or at least try. I need to focus on eating right, hanging out with people outside of classes, and focus on my happiness with life. I need to art. (To art is a verb, ask any artist.) I am slowly getting my fire back and getting all these ideas. I'll share them once I flush them out some more. 

So if you have any experience like this and want to compare notes please leave a message. Plus I'll be posting more stories and answering any questions you have. Don't forget to follow me on any and/or all of my social media accounts. I hope you have a lovely evening and get plenty of rest. 

Until next time,

Suzanna

Stepping Stones

Evening Peeps!!!

This post is going to be off the top of my head; just a warning to all that it might not make sense completely. My Oceanography homework just about fried my brain. Is it just me or does taking other classes that are NOT for your major just a waste of time and energy? "But Suzanna, you need to be a well rounded leaner for the real world." Yeah? Well I learn about politics, science, math, literature, and many other things through art. SO BUG OFF LIBERAL ARTS ! I win with my Visual Arts program just fine.

Whoops, a little rant there. Sorry. (But in seriousness, does anyone else feel the same?)

So, I left off yesterday with a little cliffhanger. You all are still going to have to wait and suffer until I organize those thoughts.  Lots of stuff to say and I don't want to leave anything out or not tell the whole story. Please stick with me.

However, I have been a busy bee on setting up my Social Media sites. *High-Five* Please feel free to follow me on any and/or all of them:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/s_illustrator
Facebook: http://facebook.com/SuzannaEdwardsIllustrator
Instagram: http://instagram.com/suzy_illustrator/
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/suzannaillustration
Website: http://suzannaedwards.weebly.com

Somethings are going to be changing about the set up of my blogs. This one is going to still be about my life and my artwork. I am thinking of more like an artistic diary of some sort. And the Tumblr is going to dedicated to JUST my art. I still have some setting up to do and figure out a logo design. Oh boy, more work. I am still trying to figure out this LinkedIn site. Anyone got some info about it? Also I am starting to think that I need to start some sort of commission and some sort selling thing. Etsy? DeviantArt? I am not really sure about that still need to spit-ball that idea.

It is only 9:40pm here, but boy am I tired. *yawn*
Until next time,
Suzanna

Long Time No See

Hello Peeps!
It has been way too long. I have so much to talk about and I am not sure that I am going to remember everything for this first post. Please stick by me while I try to sift through all my thoughts.

First things first, I am finally in my senior year of college! Holy cow! The time seemed to go by so fast that I am feeling the pressure of finding my place in the real world. Because of the bananas that are going through my head I am trying to make some sense of all of this. From now one I HAVE to keep up with all my social media pages. I am going to keep blogging on Blogger about my life and art. However, I am going to be starting a Twitter, a Facebook page, a Tumblr, a Pinterest board, an Instagram, and possibly a LinkedIn once I figure it all out. I'll be linking all of those accounts to a blog post once I have them all done. Plus I am going to keep my website up to date. Also I have to try and figure out some coding to help my blog and my website look more like me. So that means that the templates that you see new are subject to change. (Coding makes my head hurt, so it might be a while.)
It is scary how I have so little time to now promote myself before I get my BFA. And also how much time I have wasted on just..... Nothing  really. I have got nothing to really show for all the work that I have said that I wanted to do. But that is all going to change now. I am setting time aside for all of the things that I need to keep up with on my branding. I can see the light, I can feel the sparks trying to catch, now I just need the wind to make it glow.

A few Updates:

• No more apartment!!! Yay!! Now I am back on campus! 
• Car's engine blew, now I have to figure that mess out.
• Fell into a deep depression and anxiety routine and gained a crap ton of weight!
• No new pieces of art outside of school work.
• Family is going bananas.
• Work is still a soul sucking demon, but I cut back my hours.
• Had a life changing epiphany moment and discovered myself.
• Other stuff? 

I am going to save explaining most of the Updates for later post(s). I have to start organizing what I am going to be writing about and how I am going to present stuff for the future. But for now this is all I can come up with from the top of my head. 

For now I'll leave you with my website and a cliffhanger.

suzannaedwards.weebly.com

With Love,

Suzanna <3